everyone is single if you try hard enough
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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