....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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