Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
