I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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