i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
