I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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