Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dignity is for republicans.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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