new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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