Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
