all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
