hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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