I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
