The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize