Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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