Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
