How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
