I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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