I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
