If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
