god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
