my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
