I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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