This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize