i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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