you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
