his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
