dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
