so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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