Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize