Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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