I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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