Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
