Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
