you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
