i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
