I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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