2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
