If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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