Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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