Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
