Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize