He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
And then he peed in my hair
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