just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize