I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
