onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
