When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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