He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
