I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
