i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
