There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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