it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
