Plan B is the new Plan A
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The best revenge is premature balding
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
