He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
