I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
