Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
