I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
