so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
3pm strippers are depressing
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
