Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
