Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
