Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I AM VODKA MAN
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize