your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
