you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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