i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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