i think i recognize dicks better than faces
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
