Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
